I will always remember that way I felt leading up to my second divorce and shortly afterwards, even though almost 8 years have gone by.
→ One minute you’re fantasizing about your dream home and the next minute you’re selling it and trying to figure out what you can afford as a single woman.
→ One minute you’re married and the next minute you’re changing your status on social media to separated or it’s complicated.
→ Yesterday your life was moving forward in marriage and today moving forward in divorce.
The vision you had for your life when you took your vows years ago has now crumbled, leaving you with both the challenge and the opportunity to build something new.
You cling to positivity to protect your sanity, even going so far as to list the worst aspects of the marriage just to remind yourself why it ended and to feel a little better. Some days, getting out of bed feels impossible, while on other days, you convince yourself that this is all for the better.
Yet deep down, you can’t help but wonder, how did it all go so wrong?
Divorce has a way of turning your world upside down, pushing you to reflect on yourself. You can choose to avoid that reflection, but it comes with the risk of ending up with someone whose struggles mirror your own.
So why not take the time to look within and do the work? That way, if and when another partner comes along, we’ll feel confident, grounded, and ready for a healthier connection.
Divorce taught me never to take a life partner for granted. It also showed me the importance of having a strong sense of self to avoid losing yourself in their world while neglecting your own.
We all get married for different reasons:
- We fell hopelessly in love
- Expecting a baby
- Pressure from your family, church, or peers
- Thinking it’s the right thing to do
- Fear of being alone
- Insurance purposes
- Wanting to fill some kind of void
And the list goes on and on.
Marriage isn’t about being perfect; it’s about mutual respect and growing together.
Many people enter relationships believing they should be a 50-50 partnership, focusing on their role within the marriage before truly understanding themselves as individuals.
Many marriages have been successful, evolving into a deep, companionate love. I don’t want to suggest that divorce is simply a cultural norm now, but based on my experience—and that of many others—entering a marriage where both partners carry unresolved baggage often leads to resentment. If they lack the maturity to work through it, time only magnifies the cracks, making an eventual ending feel inevitable.
Marriage is a union that requires two full people to create a full life. We shouldn’t enter relationships thinking it’s 50-50. Instead, we should go in 100/100—bringing our whole selves. That way, when one of us is at 50%, the other’s 100% can carry the weight, at least until the balance is restored.
{I want to clarify that 100% doesn’t mean perfect or superior—it means knowing yourself well enough to understand what brings you joy, what triggers you, your daily habits, whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, your ability to ask for help when needed, and your openness to new ideas.}
The challenge is finding people who are truly self-aware, especially when so many are running on fumes, just trying to keep our heads above water.
We have to decide whether we’re willing to settle for the unaware collective or stay content alone with our authentic self and cultivate a life that keeps us full until we meet someone where we are at and that matches our energy.
We are all learning together but some of us aren’t willing to look outside of that tiny box that society, our parents, or any major influences that shaped our views of the world. We hear women should submit to her husband and the man should provide. End of story.
Yet, there is SO MUCH more to your story—both as an individual and as a couple—if both are willing to fully participate and embrace the journey.
We are all in this together, so let’s choose to be curious instead of threatened.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, knowing that women in the U.S. are seen as less valuable than men and given less options.
Naturally this helps us understand when some women do settle for less than they deserve.
Society often places women in roles like admins, secretaries, or office managers, but they’re not supposed to be CEOs, CFOs, or executive directors—at least, that’s the outdated narrative.
Men often avoid feeling inferior or insecure, so they tend to surround themselves with people who boost their confidence and make them feel better about themselves. This can look like promoting a male co-worker instead of a female co-worker.
What men may not realize—or perhaps are beginning to see, especially with the current direction of the U.S.—is that every time a woman is dismissed, unheard, or insulted, it only fuels her resilience, determination, and resourcefulness.
A single, unmarried, and happy woman is far more powerful than one who seeks validation, —she knows her worth and isn’t afraid to own it.
Many women are so tired of the narrative of being a good wife, mom, cook, and maid. On top of working 40 + hours, shuttling kids to school and activities, and going to bed at a decent time.
When we watch our husbands work the same—or even fewer—hours, go home, complain about dinner not being ready, crack open a beer, and zone out in front of the TV, it becomes clear that we’re no longer willing to live that life. It’s frustrating that men don’t feel the same societal pressure to share the load. Instead, they complain that she’s always tired and irritable, without ever considering their own role or showing enough empathy to, say, unload the dishwasher.
Here is what we can learn from divorce and relationships.
As parents, it is our responsibility to raise our children to see outside of the box, view other people as a valuable human being no matter their gender, and learn that we all have struggles, emotions, and dreams. That’s the beauty of being in this beautiful journey called life! This will raise awareness around diversity and build a sense of curiosity instead of division as they become adults with the intention of breaking the cycle of societal norms that aren’t effective.
What I strive to do is exercise discernment with each person I meet, without letting race, status, age, or gender cloud my perception. I want to see them for who they truly are—what drives them, what keeps them awake at night, and who or what has shaped them into the person they’ve become.
In those conversations, I take note of whether I want to continue engaging or if I feel uncomfortable and need to step away. I aim to see each person for who they are, not based on appearances. It’s not that I haven’t judged people in the past—I have. But I actively work on seeing people for who they truly are before creating a narrative of who I think they are.
No one is simply male or female; we are complex beings, full of fears, dreams, anxieties, emotions, expressions, and desires. So why do we keep trying to fit women and men into boxes that make others feel comfortable, rather than allowing people to fully be who they are?
Is it because the Bible says so? Or your parents say so? Or because we’ve always lived this way, so why change? If we never embraced change, we wouldn’t have all the incredible books, gadgets, and conveniences we enjoy today. Growth and evolution are part of what moves us forward.
In conclusion
After divorce, rather than immediately seeking another partner, take the time to search within yourself. Get to know who you truly are—what you desire, what you despise. As time passes, you’ll recognize a person who aligns with your wholeness, and together, you’ll break the old social constructs that have hurt so many men and women for far too long.
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