Someone once said to me, “I know you think you had it so bad BUT…” [insert how bad their life has been]
This comment upset me on so many levels and forced me to reflect on why I felt so triggered. It was invalidating and gaslighting—something I already do enough to myself!
But in that moment, I realized—of course they think that. I wasn’t sharing my full story, only what I thought they needed to know, which really wasn’t that bad. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but for someone who’s known you for over a decade? This friend wasn’t really interested in what I had to say and mostly needed to feel seen, which didn’t leave much room for me to connect vulnerably. I was able to validate this person without sharing my own experiences.
I had been so focused on protecting everyone – even my closest friends –from my trauma (which, ironically, is a trauma response) because I didn’t want to burden them. Rolling my eyes as I type this.
After I calmed down and reflected, I realized that I have a responsibility to share my story from a healing heart, instead of a victim’s mindset.
You see, I was afraid to tell people about my life, worrying they would see me as a powerless girl who thought she had it so hard. I guarded my reputation like a prison guard at Alcatraz, driven by fear of what others might think of me. I convinced myself that everything that happened—and the way it made me feel—was just normal stuff everyone endures, and that I was simply too sensitive.
Silly right?
Now that I’ve gone through therapy and understand how deeply other people’s words and actions can impact us in different ways, I realize that I did have an unfortunate start that contributed to my downward spiral. I was just trying to hold on to something—anything—to keep myself from falling further.
It’s neither good nor bad; it just is. The difference now lies in my reaction and how I choose to let it affect me each day.
I am hyper-aware of what I say and how I say it with the intention of making them feel seen and heard. I always remember the saying, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you make them feel.”
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou
There are times when people share their stories with me, and I’m blown away by how much they’ve overcome. It often makes me feel safe enough to share my own story, and their response is usually, “Oh wow, you’ve been through a lot too!” In that moment, we either bond deeply or part ways, for one reason or another.
I may look like I’ve had an easy life, and compared to some, it was—but life isn’t a contest to see whose struggles were harder. That’s both ridiculous and unhelpful. What truly matters is leaning into your emotions, getting curious about them, and finding a way to rise above.
Leading with Love.
Choosing to see the world through love and joy instead of fear and lack is a powerful decision.
There will always be things beyond our control that can make us feel powerless. So why not choose to focus on the silver lining?
- Why not choose to be the light in the darkness?
- Why not wake up with gratitude for everything you have right now?
- Why not create joy within your own ecosystem?
As time goes on we can participate in making our world a better place in bigger ways by volunteering or donating to a cause that keeps us up at night.
What can we do today?
Why not start by creating love within yourself? Let that love expand to your inner circle, and then extend it to everyone you come in contact with. This simple act can create a beautiful ripple effect, spreading positivity and making lives a little brighter—even if only for a moment.
I want to inspire people to look within and use their experiences as fuel to motivate themselves and uplift others. Every moment in life—good or bad—offers an opportunity to reflect, heal, and grow in love.
Don’t let yourself reach the end of your life believing you’re the only one who’s felt broken or that your life doesn’t matter. It does. Your story, your struggles, and your triumphs hold meaning, and it’s up to you to discover why. ❤️
Before we can start to expand our love WE MUST love ourselves first!
We cannot continue to be codependent and people-pleasers because that is NOT loving ourselves.
Loving ourselves comes in the form of self compassion, grace, changing our inner narrative, challenging old belief systems, and seeking additional help for our mental and physical health.
Some may call this selfish, but I call it selfless. It’s an act we do to better help those who need it, without feeling resentment toward them. We can’t change or fix people, but we can shine our light into their darkness and create a safe space for them to say the things they’ve been too afraid to admit. We can be a listening ear without the need to respond and offer empathy—not sympathy—for the challenges they’ve faced.
Here are a few things I did to heal from trauma:
- I recognized my codependency, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and learned how to say NO. (BTW: No is a complete sentence)
- I set and held boundaries. Didn’t do so well the first few years but I learned as time went on.
- I went to therapy and worked with three different therapists throughout my journey. Eventually, I allowed myself to truly feel my hurt, process it, and finally let it go!
- Walked a couple times a week.
- I allowed myself to feel all my emotions, no matter how bad or good they made me feel.
- Let go of belief systems that no longer served me and discovered my own belief system.
- Created a vision board.
- Practiced the Law of Attraction.
- I was intentional with my money.
- Every morning and night I would look in the mirror and say affirmations out loud.
- Listened to an empowering and educational podcast while getting ready each morning.
- Practiced gratitude and meditation.
- Regular sleep schedule.
- Journaled as much as time allowed.
- Had raw and vulnerable conversations with friends and co-workers.
In conclusion
Remember the agency you have in your own life and how deeply your inner narrative shapes your daily experiences. Be mindful of what you say to yourself—because if you can’t love yourself, how can you truly love anyone else?
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