When going through a divorce, you’ll likely receive all kinds of unsolicited advice, and some of the things your family and friends share might even shock you.
My advice? Use what serves you and toss what doesn’t. Everyone experiences life—and divorce—differently, and there’s no one-size-fits-all formula. One person might say, “Take them for all they’ve got,” while another suggests, “Hire an expensive lawyer and let them tell you what to do.” Neither of these options may seem viable, leaving you feeling even more confused and scared.
Divorce can bring out the worst in people, but we need to remember that both parties are human. If children are involved, it’s important to focus on what’s best for everyone—not just in the heat of the moment, but for the long run. It might feel like you want to “stick it” to the other person, but deep down, you both likely want a resolution that works for everyone involved.
Ideally, both of you can separately consider what’s best and come together, with or without an attorney, to find a solution.
Of course, I know that’s not always possible—whether one person disappears, is too emotional to communicate, or you’re dealing with a narcissist. In those cases, seek a professional that can guide you through your unique situation.
Boundaries
Divorce is often a stage in life where we come to truly understand the importance of boundaries, and it’s essential to address them as they arise.
Learn to set clear boundaries around the conversations you’re willing—or not willing—to have, as discussions about divorce can be both emotional and exhausting.
If you’re the one giving unsolicited advice and the person you’re talking to says, “I can’t talk about this” or “Not today,” respect that and move on. Do not push your point, whether or not you think it’s important. If they aren’t ready to hear it, they won’t absorb it anyway. Instead, wait until they’re ready and respect where they are right now.
A boundary is not saying, “You can’t say that to me,” because people will say and do as they please, and we can’t control what comes out of their mouths.
A boundary is saying, “If you continue to (blank), I will leave the room,” or taking any action that you can control.
It’s exhausting to try and control our environment or other people, but it’s much easier—and more effective—to focus on what we can control.
The Emotional Side of Divorce
Some people lean toward positivity, celebrating the freedom that comes with divorce, but this can sometimes lead to “toxic positivity” and suppressed emotions. Suppressing emotions is unhealthy, both mentally and physically, and can result in depression, feelings of fraudulence, or even physical ailments.
At some point, it’s crucial to address the emotions surrounding divorce and work through them.
You can do this by allowing yourself to feel your emotions. If you’re deeply sad, cry; if you’re upset, scream; if you’re confused, call someone willing to just listen. Over time, your body will begin to recognize when you are actively processing the trauma of divorce.
Everyone heals at their own pace, and if you want to move past the pain, understand that there will be moments of deep discomfort along the way.
If you’re a loved one or friend of someone going through a divorce, check in on them occasionally. Divorce can feel isolating and scary, and depending on the person’s personality, they may withdraw instead of reaching out for support.
I created a journal specifically for people experiencing divorce and prompts to help them heal, in conjunction with a trained therapist.
Debt and Divorce
Money can be an uncomfortable topic for many, but it’s vital to have a solid plan regarding who is responsible for what and how to address debts—whether that means paying off, consolidating, refinancing, or selling assets—to protect your financial future.
It’s important to understand that any joint debt in both of your names after the divorce remains your shared responsibility. If your spouse misses a payment, not only will the creditor reach out to you for payment, but it will also show up as a late payment on your credit report if it’s 30 days overdue. You can present the divorce decree and explain your situation to the creditor in hopes of finding a solution, but unless the debt is removed from your name, you will still be held accountable.
I learned this the hard way when my ex-husband was adamant about keeping his truck and promised to make the payments. Months later, I discovered he was falling behind when the creditor contacted me for payment. I explained my situation, but they informed me that I was still responsible for the debt since it hadn’t been refinanced or paid off. Unfortunately, they called me week after week, month after month, demanding payment until they finally repossessed the truck.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that I now had a repossession on my credit report. Not only did my credit score plummet, but I also couldn’t obtain any kind of credit for two years. Once my credit score began to improve, I had to keep my divorce decree accessible for another five years to prove that the debt was ultimately my ex-husband’s responsibility whenever I needed to apply for a loan or credit. Let me tell you, it was NOT fun!
In Conclusion
Understand that people offering you advice often have good intentions and want to share their own divorce stories. However, don’t feel obligated to take their advice unless you believe it’s relevant to your situation.
Educate yourself on boundaries—how to communicate them and how to enforce them! Take care of your mental and physical health during this difficult time, and don’t hesitate to ask for help from those who care about you. As time passes, you’ll likely notice that you feel better for longer periods. If you can, consider going to therapy; there’s no reason you should have to “white-knuckle” your way through something as challenging as divorce.
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