I vividly remember how I felt when I left my second husband. There was an overwhelming cloud of shame that suffocated me. When I finally told him, with absolute confidence, that I was filing for divorce, I felt both relieved and terrified at the same time.
I was so distraught afterward that I left the house and called my mom, barely able to get the words out. I was sobbing as I told her I had left him and wasn’t looking back. I finally shared what had been happening behind closed doors and how my heart and soul had been slowly breaking.
Very few people knew how I was being treated or about the abuse that was happening. I was too embarrassed to admit I had chosen a man who didn’t respect me and constantly tried to keep me small. I stayed silent for years until I had finally had enough and started questioning why I was staying in the relationship.
Why I didn’t leave sooner.
I mainly stayed in the marriage because of my religious beliefs and the fear of being judged by God when my time on earth came to an end. Then I realized I didn’t have to fear God—I should fear living a life of misery. If God truly loved me, there is absolutely no way the divine would want me to be abused and living with someone who lacks the capacity to love another human.
Once I embraced that narrative, I chose to love myself first and get the heck out of dodge! Here are 5 tips while going through a divorce that can empower and encourage you!
Facing judgment and embarrassment.
As soon as word got out that we were getting divorced, I faced some judgment and avoided some people because they didn’t know my experience. They didn’t know me as a child, teen, or young adult. They had no idea how I was raised, the situations that contributed to the dysfunction in my upbringing, or the lessons I learned along the way.
I also knew I was vulnerable to others’ opinions, facial expressions, and body language, which led me to assume how they felt about my divorce. I had to control my reactions of anger or embarrassment for a while because my heart was fragile. I understood that many people wouldn’t grasp how I was feeling or how their interactions affected me. I would go home to an empty house, cry for hours until I fell asleep, and then start the day all over again.
As time went on, and I became less vulnerable and more empowered to embrace the woman who had the courage to leave, I grew curious about how others dealt with their divorce.
I was surprised to learn that they, too, were suffering in silence for different reasons and were afraid to speak up. I felt deep compassion for all of us and never wanted to judge anyone for the decisions they make or the situations they find themselves in that lead to major life changes.
Sharing your experience in a safe environment is crucial for healing after divorce.
When I reached out to a few friends I hadn’t spoken to in a while, it was validating to discuss our struggles and how we were working to overcome challenges to avoid divorce in the future. I was shocked to learn that their struggles were so deep they led to thoughts of, and even attempted, suicide. These women are incredibly strong, and I was shaken to my core when they shared their specific situations.
After our conversations, we felt immensely better, and it ignited a flame of empowerment. We would never allow anyone to bring us to that point again!
If you know someone going through a divorce, try to be sensitive to their emotions and understand that they have a long road ahead. They may make decisions that are hard to understand. The stress they’re under can bring up feelings of inadequacy, fear, and uncertainty.
They might need someone to listen to their experience, or a shoulder to cry on, or some encouragement.
Divorce can cause many people to suffer, creating a ripple effect that turns into waves. However, it can also build a stronger bond with someone you never expected.
In Conclusion
Nobody ‘wins’ in a divorce, but it doesn’t have to be so traumatizing that it leads to feelings of despair. Life will go on, and how we relate to one another can either strengthen or weaken our relationship with the person going through the divorce.
If you are interested in my divorce Journal with prompts to work through the emotional process of divorce, click on this link.
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