Why Waiting for the ‘Right’ Time to Leave a Toxic Relationship is a Trap—and How to Avoid It!
The first time I realized I didn’t have to stay in a toxic marriage was transformational! For many years I believed I had no choice but to stay because of the vows I took. My religious upbringing was deeply ingrained in me, and I thought divorce was off the table, no matter how bad things had gotten.
You might be in an unhealthy marriage, but you’re worried about leaving for many different reasons. I’m here to encourage you with some practical tips.
When we’ve been in a relationship for a while and have grown comfortable with the arrangement, leaving can feel even more challenging. This is often because we start to believe we can’t make it on our own—a limiting belief that tends to creep in slowly.
We hear about how bad the economy is or how high rent has become, and we convince ourselves that we can’t manage without our partner. So, each day we just continue with life, going to work, and doing nothing about the unhealthy relationship because we believe it’s too hard to make it out there on our own.
It’s sad because we sit and wait for things to improve—whether in our relationship or the economy—only to realize it’s never the ‘right’ time to make a change.
{Disclaimer} If you are in an abusive relationship or marriage, take the necessary precautions because your situation could be life-threatening. Reach out to your local women’s shelter or safe house for advice on leaving your abuser.
Research indicates that the risk of violence can increase after leaving an abuser. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, women are at a higher risk of being killed or seriously harmed by an intimate partner during and shortly after leaving a violent relationship. *Provided by Chat GPT
Positive point of view
When we take the time to research and plan for a future without our partner or husband, we may be surprised to find that being on our own is, in fact, affordable. I like to remind myself of the English proverb, ‘Where there is a will, there is a way.’
If you’re ready to make a change—especially in the context of divorce—here are five areas of research and preparation, you’ll want to consider.
1. Living Arrangements
Research where you might want to live, whether temporarily or long-term—such as in an apartment, a house, or with friends or family. Add up how much you’ll need each month for rent and utilities, including the deposit, pet rent, internet, trash, and lawn care (if applicable).
Could you rent a room for a while? How much does it cost to get utilities in your name?
Think through all the expenses involved in moving and start saving and reorganizing your budget to make it happen. If applicable, you might also explore low-income housing options. Keep your options open and continue researching until you find what works for you.
Be aware of analysis paralysis, which can prevent you from making any decisions. The purpose of the research is to understand your options and create a plan to move forward.
2. Location
Do you need to live close to your work, or can you live further away? If you work from home, do you require high-speed internet? Are you willing to live in an area that’s not ideal but good enough until you find something better? Are there parts of town you would absolutely avoid?
Be sure to research the safety of any area you’re considering, and drive by at night to ensure you don’t end up in a place that feels unsafe.
3. Phone Plan
Will you need to get your own phone plan? You might keep the same carrier but have the plan in your name only. Opting for a prepaid plan could save you some money.
You could also ask your employer if they would include you in their phone plan as part of your compensation.
4. Put together a trial budget
Write out a trial budget on paper using the numbers you’ve researched, along with the income you have coming in, to see what your new situation can realistically afford. Be sure to include practical estimates for flexible spending, such as gas, groceries, and other purchases.
Underestimating these expenses can leave you short each month, which is not a good position to be in. This could result in going back to your ex out of necessity or being unable to enjoy anything because you can’t afford it. While sometimes these situations are unavoidable, it’s best to plan ahead and avoid them if possible.
5. Journal
Write down how you’re feeling daily or weekly, using a scale like 1-10 to get an overall view of your mental health and state of mind. I found this practice helpful because I didn’t realize how consistently I felt bad until I wrote it down and saw a pattern. This was confirmation that I needed a change, and I still use this system today.
Please note that you can use your journal however you like; there’s no need for a strict system. You might do a brain dump—writing down whatever comes to mind, like a to-do list or mental clutter. You can also express any rage or write down what you’re grateful for. This practice helps clear your mind, making it easier to think clearly, especially during a major life change like leaving a relationship.
Here are 20 self-care ideas to help your nervous system when preparing to leave or after you’ve left.
Preparation is key for a smoother transition
I don’t know about you, but I doubted for years that I could make it on my own, even though I was in charge of the finances and had a clear understanding of money. My silly brain convinced me it would be easier to stay, only to discover that it was actually easier after I left. Without another person bringing me down, I was ready to build myself up and start fresh. I had the will and found my way!
If you’re doubting whether you can make it on your own, start researching, planning, and see how things unfold.
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