Why We Struggle with the Decision to Leave.
The main reason women file for divorce is some form of lack of emotional connection or unmet emotional needs such as a feeling of being undervalued, lack of communication, infidelity, or growing apart over time. This article states that a study was conducted on over 2000 couples over a span of 20 years, and the results showed that nearly 70% of divorces were initiated by women.
Personally, I am not a fan of the expectation of staying with the same person until death do us part because we all go through a journey that sometimes includes your partner growing with you and many times without you. It doesn’t mean the relationship failed. It just means you are no longer a good fit for one another.
{Important to note} If your spouse is disrespecting you in the form of infidelity, abuse of any kind, or taking advantage of everything you do, that is a different situation, and no one should be expected to stay in a relationship like that. You may not realize it, but it could be an unsafe environment for you and your kids physically and emotionally.
I hear from women time and time again how conflicting divorce feels and they are legitimately confused as to why the marriage ended or why they don’t feel great about leaving. For me, my mind was trying to rationalize how good or bad my marriage was to validate my decision to get divorced. I would ask myself, is it bad enough to leave?
When I was considering leaving my marriage, I fought with the idea that something was wrong with me. I was already different from many women because I had no desire to have kids and now, I am struggling to stay married! This was my second marriage, and I did not want to be a double divorcee due to my pride.
I would have thoughts like,
- What will my family think of me?
- What will other people think of me?
- What does this mean about my relationship with the Divine?
I felt like my first divorce was a free pass because he left without warning, and there was nothing I could do to change his mind. But this time, the decision was mine, and it didn’t feel good. It also didn’t feel good to be disrespected and yelled at month after month. I started mentally creating a pro / con list, and the cons began to outweigh the pros. But did that make it “good enough” to leave?
How bad did it have to get in order for me to make the final decision?
I will say, I should have never married him in the first place AND it was MORE volatile once we said, “I DO.” There were many times in the beginning that I wanted to end the marriage and life happened where we had to rely on each other. When life started to get easier the thought of divorce came back and every outburst towards me was a reason to leave.
Then, I finally made up my mind to leave our 8-year marriage! I will never forget how I felt because I was SO relieved to finally make the decision and say it outloud.
What I learned after divorce.
We all have a point of reference that begins in childhood—shaped by how we were raised, who raised us, the dynamics within our families, and the emotions those interactions provoked. Often, we don’t recognize a toxic environment until we’ve stepped away from it, and the same holds true for healthy environments nurtured by emotionally mature adults. As we reflect, we may realize our upbringing was toxic when we repeatedly attract toxic partners. This pattern forces us to confront the deep-seated imprints on our psyche, convincing us to open Pandora’s box and heal our inner wounds, ultimately paving the way for healthier relationships in the future.
We come to realize that we’ve “lost” ourselves and aren’t sure how to find her again. We wonder if maybe she’s gone forever or if this is just how we’re supposed to feel right now. We are told, “relationships are hard work” but what kind of hard work are they referring to?
Women are often conditioned to nurture others to the point of self-neglect, and many naturally embrace this nurturing role. This only adds to the confusion because we’re busy with acts of service—housework, managing finances, caring for the kids, shuttling them around, working, and all the countless tasks that come with those vague responsibilities. The frustration and exhaustion build when our partners fail to nurture us in return and try to justify their lack of support or compare us to others. As a result, we become more exhausted and resentful and begin to shut down.
We look at the women around us that seem to be holding up just fine and start to wonder, how they are doing it all and what’s their relationship like, but we don’t want to ask and raise any red flags.
We hold tightly to the hope that one day things will change, but each hardship chips away at our soul and psyche a little more until we start to feel worn out and increasingly angry. When you think about it, no one really understands your situation and some may judge, but most will say “You go girl!”
You have a great sense of freedom once you leave BUT you’re worried about getting caught in this trap again. We look at people differently – single and married – and can’t help but wonder what their life is like and what kind of struggles they’ve faced?
Story time with a metaphor: The Trees and Our Personal Growth!
One morning, while I was out for a walk, I looked around at the trees and began to imagine them as people. I envisioned the smaller trees as adolescents and the larger, more established ones as mature individuals but we only see the exterior of the trees. We have no idea how much hail has hit each tree, or birds that have made nests in their branches.
When we see people from the exterior, we can only see their physical appearance such as male/female, approximate age, and hair color but we don’t know anything about them.
We might see a scar and wonder what happened, we may see a ring on their finger, or we might notice the clothes they are wearing but that still doesn’t give us much insight into their life.
What I realized is that no one truly knows what you’re going through, how you’re being treated, or how your upbringing influences your current environment. So how can we judge the decisions others make?
Who knows, we might have made the same choices if we were in their shoes, and who are we to say we wouldn’t?
We all have had unique situations that helped or hindered our personal growth and maybe one or two people that gave us a helping hand but there is not ONE PERSON that truly understands what it’s like to be YOU.
In conclusion,
No matter what experiences you’ve had or the cards you’ve been dealt, you don’t need to justify whether your relationship is divorce-worthy or not. Stay if you want to or leave if you need to, but don’t let people who don’t truly know you influence your decision.
P.S. One ask is that you share this with someone you love and subscribe below.
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