I’ll never forget the way I felt right before meeting Brian, I’d been divorced twice and ended up in an ambiguous and toxic situation, a “relationship” of sorts, and wanted to escape from dating altogether. I yearned to find something that would help me curate a higher quality life, with or without a partner.
I finally felt a sense of self-worth and was living a life that reflected my values. I stopped living for other people and finally found, in my 40s, what was truly important for me.
Prior to meeting Brian, I had sworn off dating because I wasn’t enjoying the experience and I’d finally surrendered to the fact that I could be single from now on. It was a freeing thought! I was visualizing my future as a single woman, and I liked it!
In May of 2021 my life changed forever.
Brian’s first message to me opened with a dialog of curiosity about me instead of the usual “dudebro” DM that opens with “Hey, beautiful.” Ugh! I hate those DMs and will delete them. So I was obliged to reply back, and we had a great conversation over text for two hours and that led to lunch two days later.
Neither one of us really knew if it was a date which was nice because there weren’t any expectations. If we didn’t enjoy each other’s company, no harm no foul. If we did, then maybe we made a new friend. Nothing more. BUT we did enjoy each other’s company and that led to another date and then another. We had found something like neither of us had experienced before and now we’re into three years together.
When we made the decision to be exclusive, I wanted to put into practice what we had learned. We had both worked on our mental health prior to meeting.
Here are three things that make us work!
#1. Accept your partner for who they are.
I met him where he was at and didn’t try to change him. If I couldn’t accept him for who he was, then I might as well step aside. Since I truly saw him for the man he was, it was a burden lifted off my shoulders because I had no “job to do” and no “project” to work on. He was already the exact man I wanted to spend my days and nights with. I often tell him; he was born specifically for me. He brought me into his world, and I brought him into mine. We both shared our accomplishments, dreams, and setbacks with true curiosity and no judgment.
I remember a moment after we’d been dating for a little over six months and I looked at him with shock and said, “There is nothing I want to change about you.” I was shocked because in every relationship prior to Brian, I wanted my partners to be different in some way. I expected them to fit inside a box that was too big or small and they wanted me to fit in their box too.
After years and years of friction within my romantic relationships, I started to think this is just the way it is. Then I realized it didn’t have to be that way. I had a choice to make.
- I could continue living this way that ends up feeling imbalanced all the time.
- Or move on to the next chapter of my life on my terms? (I chose this one)
#2. Be present with each other.
Since I was thoroughly enjoying this man and wanted to soak in every moment we shared together. We intentionally lived in the present and avoided talking about our future together. I didn’t want to ruin it by thinking about what could be. Instead, we celebrated it for what it was at that moment. As time passed, our love turned into a deeper commitment that felt safe enough to talk about our future. However, we are still mindful about being present with each other. We laugh together, listen to understand, go for walks together, and even enjoy the mundane moments.
#3. Schedule time together and prioritize your relationship.
We have a shared Team B&B calendar so we can track commitments with each other, family, vacations, and friends. We do not deviate from our scheduled time together without a prior conversation because we both recognize the importance of our relationship with each other. We want to avoid weeks or months (or longer) passing with that disconnected feeling because we didn’t schedule enough time for each other. In order for a relationship to thrive, you must be willing to nourish it with intentionality. It will not just magically fall into place.
In conclusion,
find a partner that accepts you for who you are, enjoys your company, and prioritizes time with you. Since this is a person you want to share your life with, it’s important to like them, as well as love them. Both of you are a priority and on the same team.
Brian and I are in constant communication and try to find more ways to build a healthy relationship. He’d done a lot of the work to get where he was, too. We had prepared ourselves for ourselves, but it ended up being a critical fabric in our relationship. Before we met, we felt secure within ourselves and relatively happy with our lives. We knew what our non-negotiables were, where we could be flexible, and what we wanted to learn. To our great surprise, we aligned in so many areas. Since we met, our lives have enhanced further than what we thought possible. We feel so grateful to finally have a partner and not a “project”. Neither is better than the other, neither is “in charge”, nobody “wears the pants”. We walk hand in hand and side by side because we are a team. We are Team B&B!
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