At one point in our lives, we look back and wonder why we keep getting into relationships that are unhealthy for us, and this blog post was my moment.
“You can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you’ve chosen.” -Dr. Robert Anthony
While my divorce was processing and I had settled into my new place, I had the time to ponder why I settled for someone who didn’t even like me.
What was it about me that attracted him in the first place?
- Did I seem like someone that was good enough?
- A desperate woman in need?
- Someone who he thought would just take the disrespect?
Those thoughts repulsed me because I was actively trying to avoid those vibes. I wanted to be viewed as a strong independent woman but I attracted a man that didn’t match any of my values.
I attracted a man that tried to change me, was fast to anger, hid things from me, and told me I was stupid for expressing an opinion that was different from his.
What did I do next?
I got curious about myself and noticed that I wanted to change him, too, and not only him but every man I had ever been in a relationship with! Yikes!
I did not accept THEM for who they were, so why would they accept ME for who I was?
Who did I think I was to try to change someone instead of accepting them for who they were at that time in their life and choosing to move forward with the relationship anyway. I married a man that I wanted to mold into someone he couldn’t be and that was completely unfair.
I did not have the self-awareness to meet them where they were. Instead, I looked at them and saw a project.
OMG! Beth!! Just writing it out sounds so awful but I know I am not the only one that does this. I hear women say “he has so much potential” like some man is something they bought at a garage sale that needs sanded, painted, and displayed.
Who do we think we are to see another human as not good enough?
AH-HA MOMENT!
Ah… because we don’t think WE are good enough. We are attracted to a man that is projecting what we feel about ourselves to our core. But we’re masking it.
We don’t feel like we are good enough. Therefore, the cycle goes round and round until we are ready to do the work.
I needed to look deep inside to understand why I didn’t feel good enough. What did I need to change within myself to attract the kind of person I had no desire to change?
First, I set aside time to write intentionally: What did I like about myself? What compliments did I receive? How can I reflect on these things? I would practice saying nice things to myself. I would get ready in the morning and look in the mirror and say “Girl! You are looking GOOD today!” and really lean into that feeling. I wrote down what I was grateful for. I would see qualities in other women that I wanted to develop. I practiced repeating mantras and wrote love notes to myself on my bathroom mirror. This was the beginning of dating myself with the intention of avoiding toxic relationships, attracting people that I felt good around, getting to know all about them, and getting curious about what led them to where they are now.
Second, I noticed the people that were a little healthier than me and studied what I admired about them. I started to spend time with people I deemed as healthy. I attended events that interested me even though I thought I didn’t belong. I asked questions, took notes, and envisioned who I wanted to be in the future so I could put it into practice immediately.
Becoming aware that I was unconsciously attracting people because of my low vibe and low self-esteem made me more conscious of my choices and helped me move forward. While it didn’t stop those people from entering my life, I quickly recognized them and made different decisions to remove them or keep them at a distance.
Today, I have a small group of people that lift me up and I do the same for them. It is a healthy dose of conversation, talking things through when we need another perspective, and celebrating wins no matter how big or small.
I challenge you today to start raising your vibe to attract your tribe!
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