TRUE CONNECTION STARTS WITH YOU!

Whenever you feel like you’ve lost yourself due to people pleasing or just ignoring your own needs, it can feel selfish to work on yourself. It can feel selfish creating and holding boundaries, needing time alone, or learning a hobby but really it is not selfish.

I say it is not selfish because if you are not a healing human and constantly denying yourself to keep everyone else happy, you deprive true connection. You are denying a connection with yourself, with the people you love, and any new relationships that could’ve been cultivated.

Brian once said to me, “Don’t set yourself on fire so you can keep others warm.” (A quote from Penny Reid) and it just clicked when he said that because that is exactly how I felt as an active people-pleaser. When I was in peak people pleasing mode, I was consistently “keeping everyone warm” while I was slowly turning into ashes. If I am a pile of ashes, then who am I helping and how is that good for anyone?

You’re right! It doesn’t help anyone long term and it will eventually turn into burnout, resentment, and contempt.

The transition out of people pleasing mode is NOT an easy road and will be bumpy but it is worth every second because you are getting your life back. You are digging deep within to understand what you want and need, so that you can have the strength to actually help the people you love.

Creating boundaries is easy BUT holding them is hard, especially if the people you’ve been in relationship with are used to the person you were and you are no longer fully available to tend to them as much.

Be conscious of how you are communicating your boundaries. At first, you may go overboard and seem harsh with the boundary communication and then as time goes on, you learn how to properly communicate boundaries.

Now, some people will straight up not respect your boundaries and there is a point when you need to have a heart to heart with yourself to see what that relationship looks like going forward. You may need to distance yourself, block them, or talk to your therapist for some guidance.

Back to transitioning from a people pleaser to a healthier you. It is more beneficial for you and the people around you when you work towards being a mentally healthy human.

When you feel less angst and more secure in who you are, you will attract other people with that same energy which allows for curiosity. Curiosity is a beautiful thing, and you learn so much by asking questions which leads to a deeper connection. It is a circle of love and bonding and NOT a circle of anxiety and confusion.

You can have true connections when you know who you are.

When you surround yourself with insecure people, you will feel obligated to drop back into helping them, but you aren’t actually helping them, you are enabling them. Enabling is disempowering and feels gross when you are aware of what is actually happening.

Working to be a healthy person and knowing who you are is empowering! You will finally have the strength to do what you were meant to do and finally know what you need and want.

What does becoming a healthier version of you look like?

You can start by journaling. Write down everything that is swirling around in your brain and get it onto paper. Create room in your mind to think clearly which gives space for creativity and joy.

Meditate. Once you’ve unloaded your mind, be still and hear that voice that you’ve been yearning to hear. Declutter your thoughts that might be stuck and practice being in the present moment and grounded.

Exercise. This could look like going for a walk, yoga, dancing, or running. This will help you feel more emotionally regulated and give you the strength to get through the day.

Spend time with people that charge up your battery. Call up a friend that you know will listen to you and will give insight and not judge you. You want someone that makes you feel better afterwards and doesn’t make you feel like your feelings aren’t valid. Start to build your tribe and have a good support system. I like to say, “Build your tribe and raise your vibe!”

Therapy. When I was at the point of not wanting to live anymore, I immediately looked into cognitive behavioral therapy, and I met with my therapist a few times a month to work through my negative thoughts and patterns with a goal to create healthy ones instead.

After a while I decided to try EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to work through the trauma. This therapy helped me break through the barriers in order to be the woman I longed to be.

Listen to Music. Music is a beautiful way to get us out of our head and into a world of magic. It can cause us to cry, laugh, move, and feel which is what we need in order to heal.

These are ways that I was able to ground myself, feel just a little better, and slowly open my heart and mind for others to connect with me. It also opened my eyes to people I wasn’t interested in having a relationship with anymore because they weren’t able to connect with me since they were closed off. It was a surface level relationship that included me listening to their drama and I left the conversation completely depleted and feeling like I needed a shower.

In conclusion, please don’t believe that it is selfish to improve your mental well-being. Learn what works for you and do things that fill up your soul, so you can live a life of true love and connection.