UPDATE ON MY RECOVERY, ALMOST SIX WEEKS AFTER SURGERY.
I feel like a new and improved version of myself now that I am 5 weeks (almost 6 weeks) into recovery from the hysterectomy surgery.
The first week was all about rest and sleeping, eating, feeling better, insane dreams from the pain pills, surrendering to the help that was offered to me, little amounts of blood, and not caring about much else.
The second week was all about going outside in the sun, walking for short periods of time at a comfortable pace, reading a book, talking to friends, all the people reaching out to check on you, lots of Tylenol, still bleeding small amounts, and understanding that it is okay to neglect things that could wait a bit longer and being okay with that.
It was also, wanting to drive in a car but having anxiety that we might get in an accident and needing to go back home, worried how the inside was healing but feeling comfort because the outside is healing great, taking a shower is a little different, googling things that you feel might be an issue but then reassured it is normal, being very tired, and writing down all the things you want to ask your doctor at the 2 week visit.
The third week was slowly getting acclimated to going back to work and I worked part time until I felt I had enough energy to work fulltime, anxiety about driving in a car, eating more food because my appetite is expanding, looking at my birth control pills and feeling excited that I NEVER have to take them again, still tired but handling the fatigue better, and wearing jeans again.
Fourth & Fifth week was “Oh ya, I had a hysterectomy.” I go through the day feeling so good, that I forget I had the surgery and am still recovering. I forget I can’t pick up anything over 20 lbs. and do all things I think I can do because I feel so fantastic!
LET’S TALK ABOUT HOW YOU MIGHT FEEL MENTALLY.
I will say, I am so glad I had this surgery, AND I wish I would have been prepared for the emotional turmoil (torture) that a woman goes through once it sinks in that this is going to happen.
I was COMPLETELY unprepared for what I was going to experience and now that I’m talking to other women in depth about this, it is something that most women experience in their own unique way.
The day it truly sunk in that I was having a hysterectomy was when my doctor was explaining the surgery and they were prepping me, such as when to stop eating, what to drink the morning of, where the incisions will be, and so on. I went into the visit with confidence and came out with massive anxiety that led to my first panic attack in the phlebotomist chair. They thought I was just nervous about getting my blood drawn but I knew I was heading towards an emotional state that I didn’t want anyone to see, and I broke down crying in the chair and had to leave. I apologized to them, went into the waiting room with my boyfriend, and cried it out. I then made an appointment for the next day, took the rest of the day off, and hysterically cried for hours until I fell asleep.
My thoughts went to every scenario possible from:
- Dying in surgery then waking up in the morgue.
- Waking up to a hospital in shambles because a terrorist attack took place while I was under anesthesia.
- Waking up while they are doing the surgery.
- Getting in a car accident on the way home after the surgery.
- Not waking up at all!
There were many more, but the point is, it was absolute torture of the mind. One minute I had reconciled with the fact that I needed this surgery and then next I was going to call the doctor and cancel it all together. I was having panic attacks every single day for several weeks with no warning. I would have trouble sleeping, concentrating, and all day long I thought about the surgery.
Thankfully, I was able to get an EMDR session with my therapist to go deeper about my anxiety and I was able to fully process my miscarriage experience that was causing some of my emotions.
I had repressed grief from a miscarriage I experienced at 22 years old and the mental torture I was experiencing made sure I grieved NOW and grieve is exactly what I did!
In the 23 YEARS leading up to my hysterectomy, my mind had minimized the miscarriage experience. I would say, “It was only 8 weeks and it’s not like it was stillborn” or, “It’s not like I actually had a child and it died.” Those kinds of thoughts but the experience as a whole was traumatic and I needed to validate it and feel it.
- I validated that I was once pregnant and lost a baby.
- I validated that even though the pregnancy was short, it was still a child lost.
- I validated that when I found out I was pregnant, I planned my life around having a child, just to go back to the way things were afterwards.
- I validated that it was okay to feel sad and relieved all at the same time, since I didn’t want to have a biological child.
- I validated that the experience makes you wonder what life would have been like as a mom.
- I validated that I love my life as a woman that chose not to have children.
Today I am 45 years old and have ZERO regrets about standing firm on my choice to not have kids, especially after having a miscarriage. People in my life were legitimately concerned that I would get to this point and grief my choice once the window of opportunity closed forever. Yet here I am with no regrets, I have let go of the shame, and am working through this new phase of life without a uterus.
In conclusion, I am feeling fantastic and ready to take on the next chapter of life.
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