I’ve had people ask me how I ended up in a healthy romantic relationship. I struggle to answer that because I feel like we were both helped out by the Universe. What I believe helped us find and recognize each other was the work we put in to improve ourselves before we met.
Five years before we found each other, both of us started our healing journey to ensure our personal well-being. Neither of us knew the other and had no idea what would take place but we were determined to feel better about ourselves.
I was working through the past trauma of a divorce, my relationship with the Divine, toxic relationships of all kinds, navigating codependency, and a second divorce just to name a few.
I felt so guilty for letting everyone down by getting a divorce because, as a Christian, I was told it was wrong. But nobody told me what to do if I had no choice! My ex-husband was a non-believer and thought I was living in this bubble of religion. Looking back he wasn’t wrong but at the time I was appalled.
One day, he came home on a Friday, sat me down, and said he was leaving that night. He didn’t have the heart to tell me he was engaged to another woman, that he’d been spending time with her family behind my back, and everyone in his family knew his intentions and kept it from me. I wouldn’t find any of that out until later.
The church preached:
- Work on your marriage
- Make sure your husband is satisfied in every way
- It is a sin to divorce and you shall not remarry
- Blah, blah, blah
Yet, I never heard a sermon about what to do if your husband leaves you with no possibility of getting back together. There was no path forward with that marriage, considering my husband was already planning a wedding with another woman.
Once the divorce was final and the house was sold, I sold all of our furniture to pay off all the debt we acquired. Then, I moved into a townhouse and started my new life. After all was said and done, my self esteem was demolished and my faith in God and religion was deeply bruised.
What did I do? I met another man that had low self-esteem and got married two years later. Ugh!
Since I was in such a bad state of mind, I attracted someone that was too. The new husband was verbally abusive and I went through some really dark times that almost took my life. I finally had enough of it all and left! Finally, I saw the need to start my healing journey because if I didn’t, I wasn’t going to survive!
I chose to get some help through:
- Conversations with God
- Letting go of Religion
- Eating healthier
- Figuring out what I liked and didn’t like
- Letting go of toxic people in my life
- Saying NO to the things that didn’t serve me
- Saying YES to the things that did
- Spending time with friends that recharge my battery
- Creating boundaries and, with time, keeping them
- Cuddling with my fur babies
- Reading books and watching shows that were uplifting and had a deep meaning
- Engaging in self-help activities, such as a vision board
All of these actions helped me to “find myself” and truly understand what I needed and didn’t need, what I wanted and didn’t want. This eventually led me to inner peace and self-awareness.
So what does all this have to do with finding “the one?”
Law of Attraction.
I believe, in order to find your love you must love yourself first. Like attracts like which means you will attract a partner in whatever state of being you’re in which is known as the law of attraction.
I attracted my second husband because I was in a low place in life and so was he. We were perfect for each other then but as I wanted to feel better and have a different outcome, we grew apart and I was no longer a good match for him and vice versa. Since he was not nice to me and made me feel bad about myself, I left the relationship and improved my state of mind on my own.
It took me five plus years to get to a peaceful mindset. Once I reached that, I was perfectly happy with where I was in life and content with my situation. I wasn’t even looking for love but it found me, anyway!
I was ready for a healthy partner who had put in the work. He was also perfectly content with his situation. We were immediately drawn to one another and intrigued by the peace and joy we felt when we were engaging in “simple” conversation. We actively listened to the other and both of us were building on our previous conversations and not just waiting to reply.
Eventually, we realized that we had probably gotten about as far as we could while single. Together, we can FLY with a healthy mindset and similar goals and intentions. We attracted each other because we were putting in the work to love ourselves in order for us to truly love someone else.
I feel that we must be truly aware of ourselves to live a full life with peace and fulfillment. If you are always dealing with feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or even just uneasiness, it is more difficult to get to know your true self.
If you say YES to things you don’t want to do over and over again, codependency is running your life. That attracts toxicity (even if you have a positive mindset). Ask me how I know…?
When you KNOW what you like and dislike. it’s easier to say no because you feel it in your body. You have little desire for pleasing people. But you have to put in the time and effort (the work!) to figure out what those things are that truly are for you!
I discovered my likes and dislikes by trial and error, spending time alone to hear my thoughts, feel my emotions and get acquainted with my intuition. I spent time with friends and had meaningful conversations where we all asked questions to get to a deeper meaning. I meditated to hear from the Divine or my higher self to get answers that I’d been longing to know. I became obsessed with YouTube self-help videos such as Glennon Doyle, Brene Brown, and Tony Robbins and they became my virtual mentors. I felt challenged and alive!
Then, I slowly created boundaries to protect my healing parts. I was vulnerable since I was new to this healing thing and NEEDED boundaries to stay on track. I had to keep negative people out.
As time went on, it got easier to hold those boundaries and really understand what served me. Eventually, this led to a life that was less messy and a little more calm.
After years of healing and “dating myself”, I was still attached to wanting a romantic relationship and feared being alone FOREVER. So, I meditated on this matter and heard the word surrender. Then a podcast by Gabby Bernstein about surrendering led me to the next step.
I surrendered to the fact that I could be alone forever and I thought, “Well, what’s wrong with that?” I have amazing friends, I love being alone, and I enjoy my independence! So I disconnected from the dating app and I was ready to surrender!
That’s when a friend entered into my life, that became my love! As soon as I surrendered, love found me!
If you are needing a change or wanting to find love, I highly suggest dating yourself first and getting to know YOU before bringing anyone into the picture. It sounds very cliche but it’s so important. This will help with communication, love languages, and not relying on someone else to fill a void. You should not have a void to fill and certainly should not be filled by another human. I don’t believe in 50/50 partnership because that implies that we’re not whole just on our own. I believe in 100/100 partnerships. If your person isn’t making your life better than you can do it alone, they aren’t for you. Period!