Before I met you, I had been abandoned, abused, mentally tortured, and I was left to pick up the pieces. I was trying to find myself after being in unhealthy relationships my entire adult life. How did I allow so many to disrespect me? Why did I continue to attract these damaged people that hurt me? I was done with relationships and found peace in solitude.
Solitude brought me clarity, peace, love, and a deep connection with myself. I started to love the person I am, the woman who was hiding in the closet until she felt safe enough to open the door and see what was on the other side. I shuffled through my past and kept what served me and discarded what needed to stay in the past. I was so happy with my solitude and afraid to let anyone in. Time and time again, I would reject what wasn’t enhancing my life until YOU!
You somehow knew how to introduce yourself and help me see that you are a kind human that is a work in progress like I am. You showed me your true self and were brave enough to say “me too.” You opened up your heart little by little and let me know it was safe to do the same at a pace I was comfortable with. Your patience was that of a saint and you sat with me for as long as I needed. Your curiosity was refreshing and the way you actually listened and responded when you felt it was right was perfect. Never did I feel judged. Instead, I felt only the true connection that grew with each and every interaction we had.
My brain was saying “RUN!!” but my heart and soul softly said, “Keep going because this feels right.” I love that you are genuine and willing to be vulnerable. It is hard to be vulnerable and yet you did so with such grace and love. I’ve never felt so safe with a man to unlock my deep vulnerabilities, knowing they will be safely locked up and never released. My instinct is to keep those locked up within me but how can I truly let you in without sharing everything that is relevant to us? We are a team and we need to know what may show up when things get uncomfortable and hard. Sharing with you feels like crossing a raging river on the stones that go directly across and you are holding my hand until we reach the other side and we put both feet on the ground. You ask me, “How are you now?” with those loving eyes that feel like pure warmth. I say, “I am good and we made it!” I feel like we have conquered another level and as we call it, “Leveled up.”
We will gaze into each other’s eyes and tell each other how much joy we have in our hearts, we will talk for hours when it feels like minutes, we hold one another and feel our heartbeats’ cadence and wonder how we found something so mystical. Maybe it is because we let go of needing a partner or even wanting a partner. Instead we loved the time with ourselves and vowed to only allow people into our lives that enhance how we feel. Let me tell you, I felt fantastic without a life partner and could see a future with just myself. I would fill in any loneliness with what excited me, whether that be friends, concerts, outdoor activities, deep conversations, or whatever. After that, I’d go back to my much wanted and needed solitude.
Once we truly felt the love we found deep within us individually, the Universe opened up a door and said, “It’s time. They are ready.” Our love feels mystical because it feels intense yet calm. Sometimes we are swirling in a tornado of extreme love and sometimes we are floating on a still lake of love. Both are enjoyable. It feels like I am dreaming and at any moment may wake up and go, “I can’t believe what I just dreamed!” Yet, everyday we are here doing daily activities, going to work and living our lives in a world we are just now exploring for the first time, a world we’ve always lived in but was never quite like this. Will the world we used to experience creep back in? Certainly! It tries to every now and then but we choose to live in this new world we created for each other. Are we ignorant of what is happening around us? NO! We bring in those we love into our world and we see what we once knew in a new way and react differently.
I am completely aware this type of love is rare and will nurture it. You are my person, my love, my best friend, and I am forever grateful we were brave enough to recognize what could have been easily dismissed.
Even if this was our last day together, I have known a love that truly meant something with a love I can’t explain and that is worth all the heartache I’ve ever endured and may endure in the future.