When I met my second husband, I had only been divorced for two years and hadn’t healed from the pain of my first husband leaving me. I wasn’t ready to fully allow myself to embrace a romantic relationship but I thought I was.
At the time, I wasn’t actively looking for a relationship but we had a nice time together. He was a soft-spoken introvert and I enjoyed spending time with him. We shared our dreams and our setbacks and enjoyed each other’s company.
I was surprised when he mentioned getting married and I thought what the heck! Let’s do it. We had a lot of fun planning the wedding and reception. He was actively involved through the entire process and I thought he would be a good partner for me.
I took a pragmatic approach with this marriage since marrying someone I deeply loved hurt me to my core and I was too afraid to do that again. Did I love him? Absolutely! Was I deeply in love with him? No. I couldn’t allow myself to experience that again. I knew a handful of couples that married because they were compatible and love grows with time, right? So I thought this would be something similar.
We had a beautiful ceremony and reception but immediately there were signs of trouble. In fact, it was troublesome enough right away that I planned to get an annulment. Then we experienced a financial setback and needed to work as a team to get back on our feet. Once we were financially stable again, I thought maybe this was God stepping in to say keep going and don’t give up! So we stayed married, bought a house together, and life was good.
He had a growing business, I had a job I loved, our finances were solid, but every now and then his untreated trauma would arise that would poke holes in our not-so-solid foundation. I was not emotionally healed either so I would react to his anger like it was directed at me. At the time, I had no idea he was projecting and I was not the cause of his anger. During these outbursts, I thought I had done something wrong and felt that it was my fault he was so angry.
Years went by and we lived our lives as life partners but since we didn’t have the skills to communicate, we just ignored the deep issues. One day, I just decided I couldn’t keep sweeping things under the rug, I left and filed for divorce.
I left because I was in deep pain and anger due to years of being in that environment. You are who you surround yourself with and my surroundings were wearing me down to the point of needing strategies to try to not make him angry. After so long, it was a battle I couldn’t win and I gave up the fight. Right before I made the decision to leave, I could see myself from another perspective, as if I were outside of my body looking at a woman I didn’t know and couldn’t recognize. She was exhausted, angry, felt inadequate, isolated, lonely, unloved, unwanted, unworthy. She was overweight and unmotivated. Who was the woman? This clearly wasn’t me and I needed to help her get out of this situation.
It was like being in a nightmare and finally you wake up, take a deep breath, and run as fast as you can to emotional and mental safety. I called my mom to tell her I had left and was never going back. I was sobbing uncontrollably and she could barely understand what I was saying.
I felt so worn out that I was sure I would never recover from this. The pain was so deep, I just wanted to erase it all and everything I had experienced and just start over. Not healing from my first marriage and immediately remarrying another unhealed soul was too much for me to handle.
- I left because I wasn’t willing to be someone I’m not.
- I left because I was exhausted from the mental abuse (intentional or not).
- I left because I am worthy of love.
- I left because I needed to get to know who Beth truly was.
- I left because we both were suffering.
- I left because If I didn’t, I would have completely given in to the dysfunctional life we created.
- I left because I have a purpose that only I can fulfill. I have plans that require growth so big that terrifies me but if I stayed I would die knowing I didn’t even try to live at all. That is more terrifying to me.
- I left because I needed to heal
Now, I surround myself with growth-minded individuals and haven’t regretted my decision or looked back. I learned from my experience and feel good about where my life is going. I get to be in the driver’s seat and create a life I love.
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