I’m in the sixth year of my healing journey and within that time period I’ve learned how to set and keep boundaries. This is essential because my main goal is to keep peace in my life. Those who disrupt my peace and don’t respect my boundaries are no longer in my life. Sounds simple, right? Not at all!
Boundaries are necessary for my mental health and a #1 priority in my life. Beth needs to look out for Beth because she truly knows what she needs and wants in life. Therefore, boundaries are to be set and they will be kept. (I like to use third person narrative when I’m giving myself a pep talk. You should try it because it’s been very effective!)
I am a recovering codependent and people pleaser which makes boundaries even more vital. It would be so easy for me to slip back into my people pleasing ways. Fortunately, boundaries keep me from doing that.
In the beginning of my journey, I didn’t even recognize I had boundaries until someone said to me,”Wow! You have really solid boundaries!” All I was doing was creating a safe and peaceful environment for myself. Boundaries I put in place were just organically a part of that peaceful environment.
Here are a few of my boundaries I’m excited to share with you:
I do not allow toxic people in my life
If I meet someone and get to know them, whether a romantic partner, new friend, or co-worker, only to find out they are toxic and not on a path of growth, then I remove myself from the equation. Most of the time I can slowly fade out but sometimes it takes a conversation. It’s not an easy one but worth it to keep the environment I worked so hard to create. Plus, I feel it’s a form of respect to let them know how you’re feeling about the relationship.
I need my alone time
I’m an extrovert but desperately need time to write, reflect, and watch a good movie in the comfort of my own space. I crave time with myself and must carve out time to be able to do that. I may journal, organize my closet or garage, clean, cook, call a friend, go for a walk, meditate, listen to an audiobook, music, or a podcast.
I prioritize alone time because I need it to feel at peace and to hear my own thoughts. If I don’t get that time, I get irritable, unhappy, and annoyed. My alone time is simply vital to my mental health.
My goal at the end of the day is to feel peace.
I can earn, spend, and invest my own money
My personal financial boundary is a must in order to keep peace in my life.
In my first marriage, my husband liked to spend money. I, on the other hand, liked to save money for emergencies. In the six years of our marriage, we could not get on the same page with money, and it was incredibly frustrating.
I was constantly on edge about our finances because we were living paycheck to paycheck. The more money we earned just meant we spent it all. We were the couple that had no emergency fund. Any added expense would throw off our finances and we would be forced to ask family for financial assistance. To make matters worse, all of our credit cards were maxed out which didn’t allow us to even use those for emergencies.
This experience was so frustrating, and frankly embarrassing, that I swore I would never fully share my finances with another partner again. My financial PTSD did not allow for co-mingling funds. This resulted in financial peace with husband #2 because he didn’t mind at all! He had his own accounts, and I had my own accounts, and we could spend as we pleased.
I was in charge of our bills and expenses, and he gave me half of all the shared bills and expenses. Both of us were satisfied with this system. Unfortunately, our marriage greatly suffered in other ways.
Now that I’m divorced again, I feel good about my finances and not stressed about where the money is going to come from. The lessons I learned earlier in life allow me to be resourceful. I have skills to be able to handle emergencies if and when they arise.
Conclusion
My end goal is to keep my anxiety down and my peace up. All of my boundaries revolve around that feeling. I’ve upset some people while enforcing my boundaries and I do feel some guilt but I will not sacrifice my peace to make someone else comfortable.
I ask you:
What is your goal in life?
How do you want to feel on a daily basis?
What boundaries need to be enforced that support them?
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[…] As previously mentioned, my first husband and I were never able to see eye to eye with our finances because he was a spender and valued nice things. I was a saver and valued saving for a rainy day. That experience was traumatic enough that I was able to double down and create and stick to a plan that paid off all our credit card debt we had acquired together. I knew deep down he wasn’t going to contribute or help in any way once he moved out so I decided to tackle it myself and slowly restore my credit. Here are the ways I did it: […]