Making the conscious decision to NOT have children can cause turmoil for women. This included me in the past.
Growing up, I knew I was a little different when all of my girlfriends were so excited to start a family and I just wanted to be a kid. I had no desire to think about a family of my own. As I grew to be a teenager, I had the same conversations with a different set of girlfriends but I was still appalled that they were dreaming about this. I would think, “How can they be thinking this way?” and then I realized that I was the only girl not having these thoughts. “What’s up with me, then?” I dreamed of an apartment of my own with a cat, not a husband and definitely not children!
Time went on and my friends were starting families and I still had no desire to start one myself. I was happily married but it wasn’t the right time and I just didn’t want a child.
Now I know there are plenty of women, like me, that choose to be childless for various reasons and it is definitely a relief to know there isn’t something broken within my soul or heart. I realize it’s okay to not have a child by choice.
As young adults, it feels like we are supposed to graduate from college, marry by 25, start a family soon thereafter, and then buy a house. What if we don’t want to do just ONE of those things? What if we don’t want to do ANY of those things? Is it socially acceptable to decide not to marry? Is it socially acceptable to marry and NOT have kids? Is it socially acceptable to rent and never buy? For God’s sake, what if you decide to marry the same sex?!
I’m so sick of all these labels of “shoulds” that have been pushed upon us from generation to generation. We are all so different and need to make decisions based on OUR needs and wants and not the dreams that our parents have for us because they are living vicariously through us. We are the authors of our own lives and not the puppets of society and religion!
In particular, there is a tremendous amount of pressure for women to bear children. In my own life, I have experienced small talk with strangers (who are usually women) assuming that I have children. They would ask: “How many kids do you have?” I would say, “I don’t have kids.” Then awkward silence and sometimes they would walk away and find someone else to converse with because clearly we have nothing in common or they would ask something else. My friends and coworkers were legitimately concerned about me around 30 when I was showing NO signs of wanting children. They would say, ”You’ll regret your decision when you get older” or “BUT children bring so much joy into your life” or the ever-popular and offensive “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?”
A few times I was tempted to say that I’m unable to have children just to avoid the constant shaming but that didn’t feel right. Instead, I chose to tell the truth: that it was my personal choice to not have children. Some even called me a “Baby Hater”. What?! I don’t hate babies, I just choose not to have any.
“You’re just worried about getting fat!” said my ex-husband, who knew children were never part of the plan and he thought he could change my mind. I literally laughed out loud when I realized that. Seriously, dude?! I felt none of the above but I struggled to articulate my deep feelings as to why I didn’t want children. I mean, why do you have to start a family? Why can’t two adults be considered a family?
Now at 43 years old, the conversations have stopped, my friends and coworkers don’t bring it up anymore, and I’ve met a few women who chose not to have children. I feel like I’ve been given permission to be a woman without a child. It is very liberating!
You probably want to know the reasons why I didn’t want children, so here are three of the reasons.
My Anxiety
Ever since I can remember, I’ve had large amounts of anxiety and it gave me so much turmoil. I definitely didn’t want another human to feel the way I did and I certainly didn’t want to create a human that may feel the way I did. Some days, I would be so angry I was born and had to deal with this cruel world and cruel God. So there was NO WAY I wanted someone else to experience this.
Side note: Now I have a completely different outlook on life and am enjoying this experience and the gift of life I’ve been given. I decided that is a much better way to live and I see a therapist on a regular basis to keep my thoughts and emotions in check. I’ve had some energy healing as well that has been incredibly soothing to my soul!
I Considered Adoption
Because there are children that need homes, I was much more interested in adoption but I wasn’t ready in my first marriage that lasted between the ages of 19-25 years of age. In my opinion, that was too young. The second marriage was abusive and I didn’t want to subject a child to that environment. Then, after my second divorce, I had a lot of self work and healing to do before I could even think about adding an addition to my family. I encourage anyone wanting to start a family to look into fostering and/or adopting. I’ve heard and witnessed a lot of beautiful and inspiring stories with a child or children entering into their forever family.
I worked with a young woman a few years back that grew out of the foster system and never experienced what it was like to have a mom or a dad. She was separated from her siblings and she really struggled with that. She still faces challenges and triggers from the way she was “raised.” Her story broke my heart but she is thriving now and has a great outlook in life unlike some that never experienced what it was like to have a home or parent’s..
I didn’t have a strong enough desire
Just because you decided not to give birth does not mean you are not a mother. Having a child is a form of motherhood that is hard and a lifetime commitment that not everyone wants or can experience. Adopting a child is also a lifetime commitment that is hard that not everyone wants or can experience. Same goes for a bonus / stepmom, grandparent, aunt or anyone that has decided to bring a child into their home to mother.
Whatever your choice is, it is okay that you made that choice.You have permission to want or not want a child and you should feel free to resist the pressure to defend your decision.
Actually, I had little to no desire. I would listen to my friend’s dream of being a mom and I just could not relate at all! I dreamed of getting a place of my own in southern California with my beautiful cat and then having friends over every now and then. That sounded like the ultimate dream to me. I didn’t even dream of a man in the future even though I fell deeply in love early in life. Even then, I was like nah! He and I had conversations about having a child and I did go through short periods of considering it but it was just too scary for me mainly due to my anxiety.
In conclusion, I feel like we are all mother’s in one way or another. We mother our fur babies, our gardens, and our friends. There are biological mothers, adopted mothers, bonus / step-mothers, grandmothers, God-mothers, temporary mothers, etc. The list is long!
Just because you decided not to give birth does not mean you are not a mother. Having a child is a form of motherhood that is hard and a lifetime commitment that not everyone wants or can experience. Adopting a child is also a lifetime commitment that is hard that not everyone wants or can experience. Same goes for a bonus / stepmom, grandparent, aunt or anyone that has decided to bring a child into their home to mother.
Whatever your choice is, it is okay that you made that choice. You have permission to want or not want a child and you should feel free to resist the pressure to defend your decision. Now Roar My Friends!
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